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Some of you (most) have already read this but its one of my favorite writings in the last couple years and it has only been up on myspace so I figured, why not put it somewhere that even less people know about and that only a fraction of those who do know actually pay attention! Its tough to be such a marketing genius. I know your all jealous ;)
12.42pm-pushing friends and everyone to bend to my whims, I begin to wrap up a great evening. One whose effects are not as pronounced as they perhaps should be but whose protein content has been staggering.
1.42am-arriving at my destination and conversing for a time w/the denizens of the particular local i, anticipating the early alarm to come, suggest sleep as a viable option. Other choices are explored and a decision is reached.
2.42am-alarms are set for the latest time i feel prudent, rechecked and possibly checked again (who can tell w/these things?) Blankets are pulled up, pillows are fluffed and somewhere, mid-fluff, sleep arrives.
4.42am-alarms scream and are reprimanded and reset for 20 odd minutes.
5.07am-alarms insist that their cause is a worth one and under the pressure of their continued hard sell and some very convincing pamphlets, i agree. Clothes are put on and the car is started in minutes. Fs place is reached in under 10 and he, to his dismay, is told to drive while i rummage in the back seat. Having had the foresight to collect all the things needed for this voyage (maybe) but not the wherewithal to actually arrange them in a manner conducive to easy transport, i spend the next 20 minutes un-packing and re-packing most of the things i own. Some are abandoned to a chilly and meaningless 2 months on the floor in my back seat.
5.42am-airport security wishes to discuss the knife content of my backpack. After a brisk and stimulating conversation about the merits of my ancient leatherman (the lock broke years ago so using the blades is basically asking to wave and shake light) i elect for an unceremonious ending to my relationship w/the dangerous hunk of metal.
7.07am-after 17 minutes of delay, the plane bound for Detroit, MI is finished boarding. I reflect on how this does not bode well for my 45 min window of transfer but since the young navy man sitting next to me seems to be encroaching on my limited sleeping space w/every passing minute, i decide to engage in a more productive line of thinking and claim some of it for my own chin/chest communication session.
9.42 am-my plane lands in Detroit. After the usual dog and pony show (performed in this case by a trio of stewardess w/ astonishing dental work but no actual resemblance to any mammal other than a human...or perhaps some very misguided and mostly shaved chimps) we all stand and, or crouch as our various locations allow.
10.07-we continue to stand.
10.27-the standing status of the entire plane has not changed much. Some of the weak and elderly have given up hope and are now huddling on the floors or attempting to stow themselves in overhead compartments. The amazing trio of dental chimps aren't pleased w/this tactic and decide to punish the rest of the herd by making us all sit down again. During this period of cramped motionlessness, various phrases have been bandied around like "snow and ice problems" and "re-hooking to the airplane mover jobber" (i swear thats what the pilot called it!) My concern is growing since my new flight was to board @ 10.10 and leave @ 10.35.
10.42-We begin the de-boarding process. The pilot mentions something about the fastest way to gates beginning in "a;lksjf" (at least thats what it sounds like to me) is to take the train unless you are a real fast runner. I decide that rather than ask for clarification, i will assume that the man is drunk and ignore everything else that he says. An amazingly helpful and breathtakingly rude woman in the terminal grunts that my new flight is at gate 27C and leaves @ 1.35pm. I begin to stride purposefully in an arbitrary direction figuring that airports, like fashion trends, are cyclical and i will eventually arrive at my destination. Also i have the better part of 4 hours to kill and just don't care.
11.07am-my strides have become much less purposeful as i have realized that thanks to the bursts of moving sidewalk i have covered just over 17 nautical miles. I have heard whispers of things called "C gates" in this sea of "As" but have yet to meet anyone who has actually been there. There is an elevated train above me that seems to be heading in the same direction that i am but i ignore its existence as the fevered ratings of a drunken pilot.
11.27-I arrive at gate 27C after passing through some sort of screaming, underground tunnel...clearly a portal to another dimension as this land of C is sparsely populated and in stark contrast to the myriad shops and restaurants in A-ville (just keep walking, i told myself...there will be plenty of good things to eat where you are going) I find a tiny TGI Fridays near my gate and sit down next to one of the most beautiful asian women I have ever seen. She does not make eye contact possibly due to my resemblance to a donkey or some other type of pack animal. I order food that I don't really want and sit down next to her. Having already given up hope on this union, i commence to consuming my chicken like sandwich w/reckless abandon while attempting to read and drink soda. I think that there is a moment where she understands this frenzied and violent dance for the ritualistic mating call that it is but am dismayed when shortly after concluding it she stands up, collects her things and leaves w/o so much as a glance.
11.42-i deposit my things and my carcass on 3 seats by the window in my gate and find the shadiest person i can to watch them while i go to the bathroom. I return to find most of them intact and decide to not pursue any line of questioning w/the large and unstable woman who is watching them like a hawk near a palsied mouse. I plug in my laptop after realizing that despite the fact that I requested a replacement battery from my company not 2 weeks ago, this one has suffered the same fate and will not work at all unless plugged in. I reflect that this must be YBs contribution to the environment-they take used batteries from consumers and "recycle" them into the machines of their employees. I am somewhat mystified by the gate sign that reads "chicago, IL-boarding time 1.27pm) but decide to ignore it as well in favor of the printed ticket in my hand and the word of the woman 2 gates down from me who told me to go and stay. I read and listen to good music and only occasionally shiver when the screen like material that passes for glass breathes w/the ferocious -30 degree wind. The gate begins to fill w/other travelers some huddled under blankets on chairs in the middle of the room (really) who look at me strangely as i continue, in the face of obvious frostbite, to sit in my chair in the corner by the window. In my defense, it is the only place that my laptop that im not using and that wont charge can be plugged in.
1.27pm-Passengers begin to board a plane for Chicago. I wander up to the gate troll to inquire about this and am silenced w/a stony stare and "im closing this flight! I can't help you!" (do it in the voice that yer mums and pas used to read you the billy goats gruff and you will get the sense of it) I return to my seat mildly confused but am bolstered when another, slightly less hideous troll galumphs up to the counter. She is equally endowed in the stare department but at least is helpfully contemptful when she tells me that "your flight is at another gate-it happens all the time. Luckily, the gate is only 3 away and I make it there in time to bear the brunt of scornful glares from the full plane. Thankfully the plane holds less than 50 people so i am not born down by their contempt. Also thankfully, I realize that my assigned seat is not occupied already and that i will be making this flight w/2 glorious spots to myself! Unfortunately the overhead compartments are all full meaning that I can still only comfortably fit around 70% of my body in the seats w/my carry-ons.
1.42pm-the plan does not take off
2.27pm-the plane still does not take off. Details of this time period are sketchy at best since i am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I remember the pilot saying the the runway has been shut down for a time due to weather and I remember some very qualified looking individuals spraying what appeared to be frosting on the wings of the plane (but the frosting didn't stick and even when one of the jolly fellows jumped from his frosting spraying contraption and ran his fingers along the wing, pointing and gesticulating to his cohort for "more frosting! We need more frosting here!" I still could not see the merits of the operation. I understood later that this was actually a de-icing chemical and we would crash and die w/out its application...knowledge that made the rest of the very turbulent flight a joy for me.
2.42-the plane takes off. I sleep through most of the flight but when I am awakened for the 20 minutes to landing call. The landscape below is beautiful and green. I am told that the temp in Greenville is in the 60s and begin to drool in anticipation of stripping in the terminal. I temper my desire w/the sobering thoughts of spending even more time in the airport.
4.42-I finally arrive at the baggage claim/car rental in the Greenville airport. For some delightful reason, my debit card will not allow me to charge the entire month of car rental like I had planned so I book it for a week (which reminds me...) Having again shown remarkable foresight, I have not printed or retained information regarding the location or indeed even the name of my hotel. I remember that its by a mall and ask the rental car man for the closest one. He gives me the keys to a PT cruiser (really?) and points me on my way. Im off like a shot! Windows down, satellite radio blaring and very much wishing for a pair of sunglasses. Its beautiful! For a brief time I imagine that all the residents of the state have some crippling obsession w/their vehicles since they all look as if they were washed 10 minutes prior. Then i realize that they have never heard of a beast called a sand truck and feel somewhat foolish.
5.13-spirits somewhat sagging I find a local radio shack and purchase a AC/DC converter to plug my laptop in. I retrieve the hotel information ( i was only off by about 5 miles :p) and find my hotel.
Now, half a day and nation away from home, i sit in my room and tell my dear friends and complete strangers about the experience in the only way I feel comfortable...w/nonsense :) Most of it is true...some of it is...enhanced. Hope you are all well and keeping warm (ha ha?) I have great plans for my weekends and will take pictures of my escapades (but since some of you haven't seen the ones i took of my last trip i wouldn't hold out much hope of seeing these either. Kluvyabai!
1.42am-arriving at my destination and conversing for a time w/the denizens of the particular local i, anticipating the early alarm to come, suggest sleep as a viable option. Other choices are explored and a decision is reached.
2.42am-alarms are set for the latest time i feel prudent, rechecked and possibly checked again (who can tell w/these things?) Blankets are pulled up, pillows are fluffed and somewhere, mid-fluff, sleep arrives.
4.42am-alarms scream and are reprimanded and reset for 20 odd minutes.
5.07am-alarms insist that their cause is a worth one and under the pressure of their continued hard sell and some very convincing pamphlets, i agree. Clothes are put on and the car is started in minutes. Fs place is reached in under 10 and he, to his dismay, is told to drive while i rummage in the back seat. Having had the foresight to collect all the things needed for this voyage (maybe) but not the wherewithal to actually arrange them in a manner conducive to easy transport, i spend the next 20 minutes un-packing and re-packing most of the things i own. Some are abandoned to a chilly and meaningless 2 months on the floor in my back seat.
5.42am-airport security wishes to discuss the knife content of my backpack. After a brisk and stimulating conversation about the merits of my ancient leatherman (the lock broke years ago so using the blades is basically asking to wave and shake light) i elect for an unceremonious ending to my relationship w/the dangerous hunk of metal.
7.07am-after 17 minutes of delay, the plane bound for Detroit, MI is finished boarding. I reflect on how this does not bode well for my 45 min window of transfer but since the young navy man sitting next to me seems to be encroaching on my limited sleeping space w/every passing minute, i decide to engage in a more productive line of thinking and claim some of it for my own chin/chest communication session.
9.42 am-my plane lands in Detroit. After the usual dog and pony show (performed in this case by a trio of stewardess w/ astonishing dental work but no actual resemblance to any mammal other than a human...or perhaps some very misguided and mostly shaved chimps) we all stand and, or crouch as our various locations allow.
10.07-we continue to stand.
10.27-the standing status of the entire plane has not changed much. Some of the weak and elderly have given up hope and are now huddling on the floors or attempting to stow themselves in overhead compartments. The amazing trio of dental chimps aren't pleased w/this tactic and decide to punish the rest of the herd by making us all sit down again. During this period of cramped motionlessness, various phrases have been bandied around like "snow and ice problems" and "re-hooking to the airplane mover jobber" (i swear thats what the pilot called it!) My concern is growing since my new flight was to board @ 10.10 and leave @ 10.35.
10.42-We begin the de-boarding process. The pilot mentions something about the fastest way to gates beginning in "a;lksjf" (at least thats what it sounds like to me) is to take the train unless you are a real fast runner. I decide that rather than ask for clarification, i will assume that the man is drunk and ignore everything else that he says. An amazingly helpful and breathtakingly rude woman in the terminal grunts that my new flight is at gate 27C and leaves @ 1.35pm. I begin to stride purposefully in an arbitrary direction figuring that airports, like fashion trends, are cyclical and i will eventually arrive at my destination. Also i have the better part of 4 hours to kill and just don't care.
11.07am-my strides have become much less purposeful as i have realized that thanks to the bursts of moving sidewalk i have covered just over 17 nautical miles. I have heard whispers of things called "C gates" in this sea of "As" but have yet to meet anyone who has actually been there. There is an elevated train above me that seems to be heading in the same direction that i am but i ignore its existence as the fevered ratings of a drunken pilot.
11.27-I arrive at gate 27C after passing through some sort of screaming, underground tunnel...clearly a portal to another dimension as this land of C is sparsely populated and in stark contrast to the myriad shops and restaurants in A-ville (just keep walking, i told myself...there will be plenty of good things to eat where you are going) I find a tiny TGI Fridays near my gate and sit down next to one of the most beautiful asian women I have ever seen. She does not make eye contact possibly due to my resemblance to a donkey or some other type of pack animal. I order food that I don't really want and sit down next to her. Having already given up hope on this union, i commence to consuming my chicken like sandwich w/reckless abandon while attempting to read and drink soda. I think that there is a moment where she understands this frenzied and violent dance for the ritualistic mating call that it is but am dismayed when shortly after concluding it she stands up, collects her things and leaves w/o so much as a glance.
11.42-i deposit my things and my carcass on 3 seats by the window in my gate and find the shadiest person i can to watch them while i go to the bathroom. I return to find most of them intact and decide to not pursue any line of questioning w/the large and unstable woman who is watching them like a hawk near a palsied mouse. I plug in my laptop after realizing that despite the fact that I requested a replacement battery from my company not 2 weeks ago, this one has suffered the same fate and will not work at all unless plugged in. I reflect that this must be YBs contribution to the environment-they take used batteries from consumers and "recycle" them into the machines of their employees. I am somewhat mystified by the gate sign that reads "chicago, IL-boarding time 1.27pm) but decide to ignore it as well in favor of the printed ticket in my hand and the word of the woman 2 gates down from me who told me to go and stay. I read and listen to good music and only occasionally shiver when the screen like material that passes for glass breathes w/the ferocious -30 degree wind. The gate begins to fill w/other travelers some huddled under blankets on chairs in the middle of the room (really) who look at me strangely as i continue, in the face of obvious frostbite, to sit in my chair in the corner by the window. In my defense, it is the only place that my laptop that im not using and that wont charge can be plugged in.
1.27pm-Passengers begin to board a plane for Chicago. I wander up to the gate troll to inquire about this and am silenced w/a stony stare and "im closing this flight! I can't help you!" (do it in the voice that yer mums and pas used to read you the billy goats gruff and you will get the sense of it) I return to my seat mildly confused but am bolstered when another, slightly less hideous troll galumphs up to the counter. She is equally endowed in the stare department but at least is helpfully contemptful when she tells me that "your flight is at another gate-it happens all the time. Luckily, the gate is only 3 away and I make it there in time to bear the brunt of scornful glares from the full plane. Thankfully the plane holds less than 50 people so i am not born down by their contempt. Also thankfully, I realize that my assigned seat is not occupied already and that i will be making this flight w/2 glorious spots to myself! Unfortunately the overhead compartments are all full meaning that I can still only comfortably fit around 70% of my body in the seats w/my carry-ons.
1.42pm-the plan does not take off
2.27pm-the plane still does not take off. Details of this time period are sketchy at best since i am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I remember the pilot saying the the runway has been shut down for a time due to weather and I remember some very qualified looking individuals spraying what appeared to be frosting on the wings of the plane (but the frosting didn't stick and even when one of the jolly fellows jumped from his frosting spraying contraption and ran his fingers along the wing, pointing and gesticulating to his cohort for "more frosting! We need more frosting here!" I still could not see the merits of the operation. I understood later that this was actually a de-icing chemical and we would crash and die w/out its application...knowledge that made the rest of the very turbulent flight a joy for me.
2.42-the plane takes off. I sleep through most of the flight but when I am awakened for the 20 minutes to landing call. The landscape below is beautiful and green. I am told that the temp in Greenville is in the 60s and begin to drool in anticipation of stripping in the terminal. I temper my desire w/the sobering thoughts of spending even more time in the airport.
4.42-I finally arrive at the baggage claim/car rental in the Greenville airport. For some delightful reason, my debit card will not allow me to charge the entire month of car rental like I had planned so I book it for a week (which reminds me...) Having again shown remarkable foresight, I have not printed or retained information regarding the location or indeed even the name of my hotel. I remember that its by a mall and ask the rental car man for the closest one. He gives me the keys to a PT cruiser (really?) and points me on my way. Im off like a shot! Windows down, satellite radio blaring and very much wishing for a pair of sunglasses. Its beautiful! For a brief time I imagine that all the residents of the state have some crippling obsession w/their vehicles since they all look as if they were washed 10 minutes prior. Then i realize that they have never heard of a beast called a sand truck and feel somewhat foolish.
5.13-spirits somewhat sagging I find a local radio shack and purchase a AC/DC converter to plug my laptop in. I retrieve the hotel information ( i was only off by about 5 miles :p) and find my hotel.
Now, half a day and nation away from home, i sit in my room and tell my dear friends and complete strangers about the experience in the only way I feel comfortable...w/nonsense :) Most of it is true...some of it is...enhanced. Hope you are all well and keeping warm (ha ha?) I have great plans for my weekends and will take pictures of my escapades (but since some of you haven't seen the ones i took of my last trip i wouldn't hold out much hope of seeing these either. Kluvyabai!
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